A new post for a new year.

It had been an eventful 2014, in terms of relationship, health and career.

Relationship - I was out of love and single until the end of the year, whereby I finally met someone whom I am confident and proud to be with. Nobody could heal a broken heart except myself and I am glad that I have few good friends of mine who had encouraged me to explore the possibility of a new relationship. Past the mark of  mid 20s, I no longer believe in a fairy tale, romantic or everlasting relationship. Unexpected things may happen along the way, so I count on every day as  a blessing  and treasure every moment with him. Arguments and differences may occur, but we are practising to sort things out harmoniously.

Health - My health hit a rock bottom due to stress and infrequent meals. I was hospitalized for a few days and almost had to undergo a surgery. It was a scary episode!  And it is still handy to have my granola or snack bar albeit skipping meals.

Career - It was a year of reflecting on how I should progress in my career advancement. There was a major management change followed by high turnover at the company. While work load has become more, the gloomy office environment, unsupportive manager with fluctuating mood swings and repetitive work were the reason that spur me to leave. However, it was not easy to leave because I wanted to change industry and was unsuccessful in many job interviews. Till now, I am persevering and improving on my job application skills.

My mood was not at its best and I had experienced occasions of emotional breakdowns. Doubting myself and wallowing in self-pity. However, I am glad that I have the most supportive parents and found a new meaning in Buddhism that taught me to embrace faith and mindfulness.

May 2015 bring more new breakthroughs and excitement in my life!

In the end, my blog is still the best place to confide to. Without the judgments from people nor the worry of exposing my private life. I like to write because it pens my otherwise haphazard thoughts and provides as a medium to sort out my emotion. Yes, I can be too emotional sometimes. I care for how others will feel and react towards me. I want my friends and people around me to be happy and well, sometimes at the expense of myself. I am neither a sacrificial nor altruistic person. But I am soft-hearted and "emotionally weak". I am slowly learning to manage my emotions better, to be more aware of the emotions I am facing at each point of time and taking control of it. Not attaining perfect balance, but to learn to let go when the time is right.

I have been traveling for few purposes: Leisure, study and work. They are not frequent travels. But I realise through each travel, I learn a little more about myself and about my self-identity and self-aspirations. I really wish traveling will never stop because it brings me excitement and release the wild child in me. I have to admit that my parents are rather boring people. They are pessimistic in life and always worry about money. I do not blame them because we come from a less financially well-to-do family and I am appreciative that their efforts bear fruits. They worked hard for a better future for me and my sister, and we never travel together as a family before. Perhaps due to such situational factors, I was an awkward child. Then I read the book "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Robert Kiyosaki. It serves as a motivational springboard for me. Poor dad was my parents and rich dad was the world. The world taught me lessons in life and release the happier side of me. I always believe mother nature is as forgiving as Buddha. No doubt we face some ugly sides of mother nature, but it is the magnitude of nature scenery that repeatedly attracted me. It brings me peace amongst living in a concrete jungle. 

Do not laugh..but my next motivation in life is to trek mountains. To be at the top of the world and marvel at the life beneath it. 

Recently, I am again facing some difficulties in life. (1) The prospect of my career through this job (2) Supporting my family  (3) Another failed relationship. 

Actually, (1) and (2) are linked. The reason why I want to progress further and earn more is partly a motivation for myself and to support my parents better. I am the only one left to support them and I just want my parents to lead a better life in their later years. To cover more for their health expenses in times of emergency because they are poorly covered by insurance. I just wish they could be more appreciative of my tiny efforts rather than jump into assumptions or unnecessary conclusion of my salary. With so much hours spend in office, of course I want to get the most out of it. But I do not see myself being value for my efforts and the possibility of a pay increase. Even if I ever progress, staying in the same department will still receive the nasty and demoralizing comments from those veterans in the company. I like my field, am a workaholic and have the utmost zest for knowledge, but this industry is not giving me the right opportunities to learn more. When I realise that I  dread or do not have the urge to work every day, it is a sure sign that I have to fix it. Should I leave this industry all together or stay on for the sake of money? My main concerns are being without income when I am jobless and to manage between going for job interviews even whist still working.

I yet faced another failed relationship. It did not end well and he is the first guy I ever met who cuts me from all contacts. I do not blame him because firstly, I was unsure how I will fit into his life; secondly, I do not like his egoistic character; and thirdly, we were sometimes friends yet lovers though out the long-distance relationship. The only dent that I ever need to heal was his "last" message to me and being pensive on what the hell is wrong with me. It is not the first time that I receive such harsh comments from my ex. It makes me more apprehensive yet ironically, stronger. I think in a relationship, nothing hurts more than a guy cheating on his girlfriend or not knowing that he actually makes his girlfriend cry or hurt. If he could not even attempt to provide the love and security in a relationship, then how about in a marriage? Maybe he is wrong or I am wrong. I do not want to doubt it further. If that makes him less painful, I shall let go. My new style with respect to life? To learn to protect and love myself. Cry but do not cry too much. Do not be too obstinate and cling on to something that is gone; because there is more to life than those tears that waste my youth. I am who I am. Respect it or else leave. 

白安的第一张专辑让我更了解她，这世界和我自己。"我们都必须学会在该放手的时候放手，该重新相信时重新相信。或许在蜕变过程中我 们会因为过去的伤口选择不再信任，但也许就因为自己的不信任，我们将错失那个 可能会带给你希望的「他」和自己。"

Easy come easy go. “你又何苦太苛求 爱必须久留？永恒是个旧念头享受胜过于泪流。管他天亮有没有 以后。” 真的，干吗管他的？

On the last day of 2012, I usually did a little practice with myself. Sit back and think of all the happenings for the year. Flashes of sad and happy encounters started appearing and I am thankful that I am still sitting in this room typing this blog post. I have survived all challenges and therefore, am one baby step stronger. Perhaps the pivot of 2012 was during the second half of the year, whereby I graduated and entered the workforce. It is easy to be caught up in the midst of work and routines such that I forget that I am suppose to constantly do personal development and apply my knowledge to work. Surprisingly, such knowledge is getting rusty. Time to take action. 

I am glad that I came across and read the book "Search Inside Yourself". I think it is necessary for me practice mindfulness given that I am living in a fast-paced environment and have a temper which will flare easily or being too attached to my emotions. A blog post also explains to readers on how finding ourselves through meditation will build our resilience. It succinctly wraps up the distinction between feeling about my feeling and being them (which I often do so). "You are not your thinking. You are the person watching your thinking. That little distinction is the difference between feeling your feelings and being them — and it's critically important. When you feel anger, you're in control of what you do next. When you are angry, you've lost control." 

Inc.com also shows 9 daily habits that can make oneself fee happier. A great start or resolution for the new year. 

#1 Start each day with expectation

#2 Take time to plan and prioritize

#3 Give a gift (word of thanks, encouragement, politeness) to everyone you meet

#4 Deflect partisan conversation

#5 Assume people have good intentions
#6 Eat high quality food slowly
#7 Let go of your results
#8 Turn off "background" TV
#9 End each day with gratitude

Looking back at 2012 resolution:

1. Study and Career - Career is still in progress
2. Financial Planning - Took the first step in managing my finances and still in progress
3. Family, Friends and Loved Ones - I think I done this well, except in love relationship
4. Tone my body (Achieving toned arms) - Bought exercise equipments, but require longer exercise regime
5. Being Closer with my Religion - Can do better!

For this year, I set few more resolution. Some an update of existing ones.

Career
Financial Planning for Personal and Family
Exercise More
Well-Balanced Lifestyle
Understand Love
Understand my Religion Better

Back from my first one-week business trip to Vietnam. I am still a fresh greenhorn in the corporate world. So much to learn from all my colleagues and top management people on how to interact and present myself professionally. In fact, I still act much like a student. The landscape there is pretty much of similar resemblance to other regions in Southeast Asia such as Bangkok. The people are generally friendly and soft-spoken. Somehow each time I returned from an oversea trip, I will have many thoughts. 

I visited the animal farm, harvested my crops and ate them fresh from the farm, and had occasional business conversations with the locals and some foreigners. The traffic there is, to my opinion, very congested. There was no proper traffic system and pollution was prevalent in the cities. People had to wear mask while riding their bikes. Crossing the road, to foreigners like me, can be quite a challenge. Sometimes, back at home, we adore order too much. I appreciate the government's effort in regulating such order in our society, especially the transport network. Yes, we often complain about the train breakdowns, packed trains and congested traffic during peak hours. But at least, traveling from place to place is often a breeze with the well-connected train networks and recent opening of the circle line. Crossing the road, even on a busy day, is safe due to the countless pedestrian crossings.

We do not own much natural resources in our homeland. As a result, I am often worried whether future generations, including myself, will miss out on what mother nature has to offer abundantly. It is quite a sad plight to see young kids glue to their electronic gadgets rather than enjoy the nature. While I laze, sip a warm cup of Vietnamese tea and enjoy the cool breeze in the farm, I realize how detached from nature I have become due to my constant living in a concrete jungle. At night, I explored the bay just opposite my hotel and was amazed at how beautiful it is as compared to our artificial waterways. I like how other parts of Southeast Asia have disorderly streets, bright neon lights and random shop houses emerging along the stoned pavements. Back at home, we are able to view the scenic developments at Esplanade and Marina Bay, but it is through this disorderliness that we see vibrancy and zest in life. It is an irony given that I am person who likes orderliness.

I read few news articles about locals' wish to be first in the Happiness Index (comparable to Bhutan's??) and an increasing number of our population living abroad. Living abroad, as reported, has its perks such as work-life balance and a less hostile/competitive society. I also watched 2 episodes of The Successors on CNA about 2 equally bright ladies from Philippines and Indonesia respectively who have the vision and bold spirit to advance their businesses.

(1) Higher Happiness Index (2) Living Abroad: Work-Life Balance (2) Feisty Ladies Who Succeed in Their Businesses. What do you see in these 3 points? Do you see a trade-off or there is not? It daunts upon me on what I want to see myself to be like in the many years to come. I admire how some women can carve a successful career and yet be equally committed/loving to their families and children. To me, in order to be a complete woman, is to have a compassionate heart, loving family and sensible kids. I believe these are sustainable options that will benefit society even till the day I died.

Things are getting odd lately. With the burning question of getting marry and having babies from so many people, it bears a hidden pressure and a standard reply of "I will when I have found my partner." 

If requirements on a male partner is a dependent variable on age, then a female's requirement on finding an ideal partner will tend to decline as age progresses. And with the worrying figures that many highly-qualified females are single even at the age of 30s and 40s, what promising picture does it paint on society? Am I demanding too much than what I can swallow?

I guess not much people know the exact situation of mine and to divulge it is rather a tad embarrassing. It does not help if your parents keep asking insensitive question as if to broadcast your sorrow openly. The truth is I am jealous that he seems to be doing fine even without me. Or maybe I think too much on the details and I am just being an obstinate and too conservative woman. For now, I could not agree more with this statement, "Be wise. Treat yourself, your mind, sympathetically, with loving kindness. If you are gentle with yourself, you will become gentle with others." You see..negative thoughts and being too dependent on others are killers and being unattached can also be happy too. For who is to be blamed for mistakes made thrice? Go to the beach, go do some exercise, go and open your social circle, go get some life..you silly girl.