Another tired week of doing projects and the more I need music to relax and umwind. Realised how important listening to music is to improve my foul mood. It has become my life and soul just like how human can't live without water and air. Through out my years in school and sometimes working experience, I spotted some very bad habits and weak points which have accumulated and increasingly become tougher to eradicate. Like being unable to multi-task, being muddle-headed and poor in mental calculation due to my heavy reliance in calculator and poor maths foundation. How could I survive in the finance industry which I always dream of? Choices I made in life seem a little wrong and I find myself rather slow-witted such that I can't be successful and what I do will always deem ineffective.

Told myself not to be defeated by such pessimistic thoughts perhaps cuz I am a perfectionist in my life goals and definetly not studies. Being pathetic and mourning in one's own flaws won't solve my problem and the more I will lag behind others. So I will try and let me sink in the inspirational sea of music to remain revitalise for the time being.

Went to Suntec to do my FYP ytd..initially wanted to do it at Starbucks but landed at Mac. Yesterday was a crazy morning at home. Woke up and kena lectured by mum to tidy up my room which was clattered with paper and tonnes of rubbish. Asked my dad for extension plug and after that rocks my life completely.

Me: U have extension plug around?

Dad: U think I have, go find in the storeroom.

Me: Erm, storeroom is ur territory.

Dad buay song enters storeroom

Dad: Here it's.

Me: Huh, so big..have smaller ones?

Dad started ranting about how young girls now can't even carry such stuffs and told me he can't be bothered. Let him nag away while I took my bathe. Was about to leave the house when he stopped me and produce a Made In Sinagpore cheena plastic bag. Told me to put the extension plug inside or else I can't leave. Running late so I juz put inside and that's when my dear groupmates laughed at the plastic bag.

Life is crazy when you have parents who are going through menopause. They can be irrational at times but seriously, deep down they still show equal concern just that they express it in another more uncoventional way. Will never feel how it likes until I am a parent myself.

Temper kinda volatile these few days. Or should I say my temper will be like this until the FYP is over. I do not have much solitude time at home and I go about each day like a rat race..scurrying from the start to the finishing line. At least I live each day knowing there's a purpose behind it but am seriously lethargic with all the brain work and lack of sleep. I snapped at people who irritates me, cursed and muttered F alot of time. Stomach growls and hunger pangs jump sky high by 7pm everyday. Was chasing the bus home one night when a contractor worker blocked my way. Dunno whether he was purposely doing so..he or I too fat to cross the pathway, I just couldn't walked out of his sight. In a very bad and dizzy state, I nearly slapped his face and asked him to FO..but these were just illusionary.

Another incident, was when the bus braked suddenly. Reckless and siaoz bus driver who wanna kill all his passengers on board. Practically everyone flew from their seats and there's this poor gal who sprawled on the floor. My laptop dropped from my hands but I managed to hold tight on the railings. Poor laptop..has to work so hard this semester and yet meet such an irresponsible owner. Better take care of it or else it goes on strike.

Tried listening to RnB and hip hop while doing stuffs at home, but get more irritated with the people singing and chanting slurry raps in it. Can't take in stuffs that talk so switched to mute, ocassional voices and rhythmic beats of trance and lounge. Smooths out my mood..thought of the night of trance featuring Smokin' Jo. Then thought of DJ Skinny, dunno why everytime when I am in a loss or frustrated mood, I would think of her. Is she such a gd meditator? Received warm sms and ocassional call from people around me. Realli encourage me along and sorta revived my soul.

Next week is another battle, am I ready for it? Hope I am~

Is being a year since you left this place called Earth and continue on your journey to Heaven or Pureland. Our destiny is short and if I had a choice, I should have get to know you better and cherish every memories you had with me. On this very same day last year, I saw your cold lifeless body resting. Your face expressed how much you had struggled throughout your final moment and of how much you had not wished to leave us. My hopes were dashed and life seem bleak without you. I couldn't find my bearings on Earth and I faltered for almost a year. But I know you are by my side and you wouldn't want to see in this dismal state. Life has to continue and I gotta be strong.

I lost something
Something close to me.
A dear friend was taken away
And that dear friend was part of me.
She left us all in a huff
We cannot understand
Why a journey she has to go
Had to end so sad
She flew away you see
Her soul flew up above
No more hurt or pain or suffering
Except for those she loved..to a better place we know
We cannot stop the heartache
We say she lived life to the fullest
But deep in our heart we secretly know
She had so many more dreams, she was not meant to go
You were a dear friend
And that you still are
A bubbly person who was full of fun
And up above I'm sure you still are
Even though you're gone my friend
I know we'll meet again
Maybe not today, tomorrow or the next day
But the day when my life on earth comes to an end
I may not know the answer
Of when the day may come
But from the very moment of now you shall be in my mind
I'm sure you will be in our heart
Wherever you maybe
I ask God for one last wish... Please bless her soul
With only one there is only you whom we loved so dearly

(By Ken Tan)