Well, it's the time of the year again to bid 2008 goodbye and welcome a fresh new year..the year of the golden ox. 2008 has been a year of changes and self reflection. I remembered welcoming 2008 with the friendly bus driver of bus 52 who greeted me with a "welcome on board and a happy new year" and doing my PED with jas, SQ and JX. Then it was graduation time from poly and everyone was frantically enrolling into uni. It was the hardest dilemma as I pondered on switching courses and to face the threat of starting all over again. Then it was working 5 months at Jefferies as a temp worker. It was there where I learn to respect secretary cum receptionist cum admin people. You know those arrogant high-"crust" and high-post people who demand stuffs from them and pile them with so many claim forms..groceries, food, medical and even pets and car!!?? Jefferies closed its Singapore, Dubai and Tokyo offices earlier this month while their client-Bakrie brothers is trying to clear its US 680 million debt with the help of Brentwood and ICICI admidst the credit crunch and financial crisis all to my shocking disbelief.

Then came August where the new school term started. It was then where I started to miss the company of my poly mates, the joy of discussing tut and gathering in food courts to have a nice lunch. The school tradition, jc people and multiple faces people freak me out and I realized how gullible I am. I did not do well this term and sometimes have the urge to withdraw. But I know I will regret one day if I give up this opportunity. It's tired there but I sincerely yearn and hope that at least I get to know a nice friend whom will share all emotions and burden with me. Just one and I will be truly contented. I hope God gives me a good reason to carry on here and the courage to achieve higher results.

So here I have a few new year resolution (wishes and hopes to be exact):

Family
License
Friends
Studies
Courage

This week was pretty fun and good. Did some christmas shopping, had a nice chat with yijia, received a nice log cake from her (p.s I am eyeing Rive Gauche's strawberry shortcake lol) watched a couple of nice drama and movie, celebrated christmas after 2 years and finally stepped into st james with sq and yx. So bear with me while I do a personal recount of my 'virgin' trip there. oOh I juz loved recounts.

We chilled at powerhouse but the music wasn't my heavy trance but more of euro housebeat. We hopped to the boiler room which had some liveband going on, the music was awesome and I loved the gigs. You can see beer dispenser been emptied within a few minutes. Next we went to dragonfly as claimed as cheena by yx. The music there was good to be exact but the crowd really a little cmi. I went to the toilet and there's this really cute auntie (I guess late 40s) who was shaking her body real hard and nodding her head to the dance beats as if she were high on drugs..hippy leh. It was sleazy there and sq said there are too many 'jian nu ren' there. It was then followed up by Movida which was playing some latin music . We escaped there super fast and returned to powerhouse with some drinks before hitting the dancefloor for the night. Finally the music was better with a mix of trance, r&b, techno beats, funky house and splashes of retro. I guessed I danced too hard that I bumped into people's butts. We truly sweated ourselves there and met up with some of yx's friends. Perhap Sq was just too 'hey, gorgeous!" and met a weird friend but he soon left..phew~

Stuffs are good so far. Met up with my old friends, had dinner with loved ones and enjoyed a couple of good dramas and movies. Good stuffs end faster than expected and soon it is back to the battlefield. Sometimes I really wish I am not living in this place that I was born somewhere else. Somewhere where it's a better place, where life is an enjoyment and I can be amazed and bewildered by the splendour of nature, to globetrot and backpack to many amazing exotic places. But it is just a dream, a beautiful facade that is impossible in today's society.

There's one incident this week that pissed me, it made me such a fool to even pacify that person. Let's name that person as A. I called A politely to ask her when she wanted to buy the school books but it turned out I was free on neither days. It ended quite disgusting and horrifying. A threw wrong excuses at me, that I am never free to do stuffs and even attend the gatherings. A said that the sound and presence of me irritated her and she hung up the phone.

It made me sad and loserish that I always have no good fate to meet better and closer friends. A always has mood swing, sometimes she treats people good while other times weirdly hostile. The memories of secondary school and poly days brought back memories that when I reminisce will bringsback a smile on my face. But life in here just is bittersweet. People have so many faces that you do not dare to be nicer or even to trust them. When people tell you they will be late for 30 mins it would better be 2 hours. Well, let me not feel depressed or hurt by these people. In addition, my test results are not up to my expectation but perhaps a reminder that I should work harder. No matter what, I will still remember all the sweet memories even how minute they are. May god gives me the strength to smile through adversities and even if I have to die one day, at least I know I have live my life with smiles and not sorrows.

Another incident is on marriage. Broken marriage that strikes one of my friends. I just detest males who use a career-minded wife as an excuse to be bewitched by another woman. I believe that men who leave their good faithful wives would realise that sinful mistake one fine day. Sorry that I am a feminist but I am happy that in times of today's society, females are now in better position to fight for their rights as compare to the feudalistic times.

Learning driving is taking up most of my time now. My parking skills sucks big time but I will improve on it haha~ Anyway, auto car lesson is much better than manual and driving auto is much smoother.

Holidays are good so far and how I really wish it could be longer. When you are working, there are no such things as a long vacation unless you take annual leave. Even as a student, although I adore long vacations but never have I dreaded that school reopens. But now, somehow I do not love school as much as before because I know it would be another long and tiresome battle of willpower and intelligence. If only there is such thing as home schooling for tertiary level. Or if my parents were super influential and rich tycoons, I would be buying all the exercises and tests answers for each semester LOL~

Life..what is life. Life is supposed to be LIFE and lively, just like the splendid life of mother nature, the beautiful trees, green leaves etc. But where is life here in this island? Neither do we enjoy the 4 seasons of nature nor we have the colours of nature scene. Except for the neat rows of trees or shrubs along road dividers.

Rather than whine that school is gonna be horrifying I better have start rectifying past mistakes and reading up soon. Anyway, I had a nice time on sat. I felt so light and easy..so at ease and at home. Had a few drinks at Harry's @ Dempsey Hill although some of them said their 'high-meter' were at negative. It was all quiet there as people are crowding their butts at the Zoukout event that night. Perhaps I will have the fate to visit stjames when it plays trance+euro house music. Was on my way home when I was some sort persuaded to go Indochine. In the end, headed down there to chill out and had frog leg porridge supper in the absoulte wee hours. Unhealthy lifestyle to be exact but it is somehow enjoyable once in a while.

I randomly look through some facebook profiles of my classmates from stress management university and felt so out of place as if I don't belong to their culture. Their culture of drinking, partying, having active social lives with so many friends crowding around them and the countless sports and investment CCAs that they join. They are happy, they have the strong friends network, the ability to cope and the courage to speak up boldly in class. And me, I am like wheezing from the workload and even with one CCA but I still don't have the time to attend regularly.

What am I doing when they are partying and drinking at the artsbash @ Zouk? I am resting at home just after my last paper. I don't even have the energy to party till crazy right after my last paper. I will be pushing myself beyond my normal limits and finally collapsing in dire exhaustion after the finishing rounds. Since the hols starts one week ago, I somehow develop this desire that this holiday would continue for 2 months. At least I feel at peace now, away from the seminar rooms and dreadful concourse. I want to enjoy life and studies just like everyone of them but I am not the mould of theirs. Sad to say I am an introvert and it is hard to convert to an extrovert partying animal. It takes time and a change in my character "genes".

Tell you what peeps, I am sick of those English hip hop, rap or even RnB. It is too westernized here and I have resorted to a liking for canto and chinese songs instead. Trance is my dear which I never detest. Of cuz it is called trance cuz you go into a trance and high feeling with the reptitive beats and electric music. I am getting weird these days cuz some things happened to dear ones around me. I am feeling bad cuz I couldn't imagine life without them. Anyway, I am still blessed with great parents of mine. How much more fortunate could anyone yearn for. I just want to play, have fun and to live a simplistic life.

Tests are all over which is a huge sign of relief. But the terror part of receiving the outcome of tests is terrifying. Previously, I know that even if I don't do well the outcome wouldn't be so bad. But now is all a different story. It is an extreme case and the effect of demoralization is 10 times worse. It is here where the catch-up effect theory doesn't work and my system is ever facing diminishing returns. What I need is a system that produces increasing returns. I hate the feeling of entering another battlefield after this break but I know I must repeat this viscious cycle for 7 more times. Things never come that easy too.

Anyway, my desktop crashes and all my hamster pictures are gone. I tried to save my dying compt for one whole day but only managed to recover some files. Fancy it crashing after all my tests..which is obviously a good thing. What is the worst nightmare..for me it is when your compt died at the 'unglamarous' moment.

Recently, I had many strange dreams and encounters and are all to do with men. Ok, I am not been lecherous or unfaithful here but it just came. First, was the dream of you marrying bro and I was the bridemaid. It was such a happy ending. If only it had happened and bro would really be my brother and I would be driven by a nice car for life..I mean bro is really a nice guy but too bad he's too old. Next, is my ex-crush in sec school. lol~ oOps fancy revealing that I had a crush during my younger days. I saw him across the traffic light 2 weeks ago and I saw him below my flats walking to the bus stop few days back. Although I only saw his side-view, I am sure it's him lo. And one of my neighbour even talked to him. Don't tell me he has moved into the same block as me and he's the relative of my neighbour? It's not the first time though..he and I were in the same OG camp during the first 3 months in jjc and same tuition group for 2 years too. Anyway my puppy love was for 4 years..can you imagine I was silly enough to be magnetised to this foolish game for 4 years. bleahz~

And talking about the recent Mumbai attack. My hearts goes out to the Singapore family who lost their daughter during the bloodshed. The other siblings mentioned that it takes time to sink in. But I am sure life would never be the same again cuz it is as if they have all lost part of their identities. Just like what John Donne said: Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind.

Bless the world and let's remove such hatred and unnecesarry bloodshed. It's just saddening to see people snatching other innocent lives. Let the grim reaper do so instead.

My projects and reports are almost done, just some editing for a report and is all over. I am so happy can, finally I do not need to touch those stuffs for the "time-being". Anyway that picture was taken for my last presentation. All went fine and besides looking at our elated all smile faces, do take notice at our eye bags. I do not know how I manage to sleep for just 3-4 hours each night but I guess it is the urge to complete my assignments that compel me to do so.

I stayed quite late in school this week and some of my friends on msn even thought I was staying overnight. Over my dead body man! Anyway, some stuffs pissed me off this week and so to defend myself I retaliated by being kinda bi**hy. I couldn't care much too as I have no time to waste..there are bound to be such nasty people around here. But nonetheless, there are still some nice people and friends whom you really want to hug them tight. School gave us 6 bottles of chicken essence as our study pack.

Ok, that's all. I am going back to my sMugging.

I am obviously paying quite a fair bit in "ERP Charges". There are people who are obviously in conditions who are worse than mine and I even heard from friends of some people who cried bitterly in library and in some quiet spots. It is of cuz great if people in a team or group work in a team, but life is never of strawberry and cream as there are bound to be slackers or last minute people who chiong like mad at some unconsiderable extent. E.g. to work till late hours and you have to forgo lunch and dinner, to come back on a freaking early sunday morning.

But I have learnt to be more appreciative of life. I try to cover my agony and de-stress even though I feel like ranting curses at them. Such situations and habit of people will not dissipate shortly. There are people who are less fortunate than me and if I am given this wonderful opportunity to study and gain knowledge, I shouldn't whine since there are many people out there who are also in almost same situation as mine. Furthermore, I am very satisfied that despite such stuffs,there are still some good classmates around. If I panic further then I will just wear myself out. I do not want to wear myself out so I shouldn't panic further.

Results and outcomes do not turn out fine for me..perhaps I even the bottom few. Obviously it is kinda depressing. But hey..given the fact that I still have unreleased potential then I should work even harder and SMARTER. There are people who laugh at you and think they will outdo you but never under-estimate yourself.

Well, my terror week (Part one) has just ended. A 'chui' and 'xiong' week. Although I know nobody would be willing to hear or even read about my chronological events but I don't care,I still would like to post. wahaha~

Monday woke up early to discuss project then have fallacy presentation in the afternoon.Kena shoot by prof on my fallacies, tried my best to defend myself and someone did help me defend my point strongly to put stuffs across in the end. Tuesday woke up for morning lesson and weekly quiz. Had another project meeting at evening which ended at like 10pm. People still thought I am a part-time student while I carried my books and laptop on the last train home.

Wednesday was better and I spent most of my time to prepare individual project. Thursday morning had another presentation. That day was freaking cold and the air-con was at full blast. I was shivering bitterly while presenting. The prof told everyone to get up and do some warm-up exercise to fight the chill..pretty lame but it worked a little. As usual of the school's culture, our group was bombarded with Q&A from class. How do I describe this scenario? Well, it reminded me of 10 Mr Ong-s shooting us during our FYP for PED and at the same time grading our performance. Had another project meeting in the afternoon and was so super tired that I dozed off in the bus back home. Did a final 'chiong' to 'beautify' my individual project when I reached home.

Friday woke up damn early to have consultation with prof on our philosophy paper. Although I was really tired and the weather was too nice to sleep, I still had to forced myself to wake up. Couldn't quite imagine doing my philosophy paper without any help or consultation..don't feel any sense of security. Attended afternoon lesson then had another project meeting till evening.

Saturday I was a 'guai' student and mug at home for test. Discussed the paper with peers online and through phone. Brain couldn't quite absorb information but the thought of staring blankly at the difficult paper was enough to compel me to mug harder. Sunday was 'enter battle-field day' as I had to take the philosophy paper. Dunno why but my head was spinning, my vision was blurred and my heartbeat rate was very fast while I waited outside the hall. I thought I was about to faint or died. Perhaps I didn't have ample sleep the night before. After the test, had creativity project meeting and it was the most hilarious one. Two grown-up men playing with dolls and dislocating the dolls' limbs and head.

Well, that's my life and sorry if I bored you with my events. I am still tired, in fact too tired to even know the feeling of been tired. These few weeks would be crazy, at least crazy in my sense. Anyway, students are getting pissed off by the lack of sleep. Imagine coming back on a sunday, where's my bloody weekend? Anyway, thanks evil-fatty for driving me to school this morning.

Well, my blog is getting quite dead these days..wahaha. Anyway, for those who are concerned on whether I am dead or alive, I am still pretty alive but drowning soon in the midst of all the datelines. This is really and indeed the start of my chiong-ing project and report period. I am so exhausted and nauseous from this chunkful loads of feeding process. But I am growing to adapt and trying to enjoy the process no matter how much I detest. Cuz I realize you have to enjoy such stuffs in order alleviate from exhaustion.

Before I start talking crap and in circle, hmm..I just watched this really cool movie on Enron-The Smartest Guy in the Room during one of my lesson. The Enron bankruptcy followed by the fall of accounting firm Arthur Andersen, what's next..a movie on Lehman Brothers? You know what, I love this nice phase from Jeff Skilling:

Professor at Havard: Tell me, why do you think you're intelligent and we should accept you?

Skilling: Cuz I'm f***ing intelligent and I am

Recently, I am very interested in Canto pop for dunno what reasons and into lolita fashion. Trust me, if there's a cosplay festival or something, I would be more than happy to dress up as lolita. Of cuz provided, I am dressing up as lolita with a group of people..yesh a GROUP (and I found at least one person who does share this interest). Lolita fashion is a damn hot craze but seriously..not everyone can dress up as lolita decently and yet be kewl~ and kawaii. Perhaps lolita gives me an escape from realistic world and into kiddy dreamland.

Love this..Gothic Lolita.

That's the end of my break and the next one would be at the end of the year, a longer stretch one. Hoho~ Well, I should say one week does past very soon but at least I manage to get some good rest and need not wake up so early for lessons (despite the fact that I still need to return to school to settle some projects).

For those who are working, it's the night shift part. For those who are in NS, it's the training, physical and mental part. And for those who are studying, it's obviously the study and time management part. Each time we have class gatherings, everyone seems to have different topics to share and a common topic could barely last for as long as we did previously. I have to admit that primary, sec and poly days are the best years of my life, I even had time to cycle weekly. But now, such luxury of time and pursue of interests seem out of question though.

Recently, I realised some things which I didn't experience before. Some are shocking truths while others are part of 'adaptation mode'. I am not sure whether that lies in my character or instincts but I am glad I discovered them early and am able to curb such stuffs from progressing erractically. Let not my mind be over-occupied with such study stuffs, I mean life is more than that. Is about music, arts, sports, culture and even food. Not sure whether anyone watched Accuracy of Death, but I agree with Chiba..the grim reaper, that one of the greatest invention of human is music. Chiba is a good grim reaper and even if I were his subject of death, I wouldn't complain just as Kazue didn't complain.

Many things happened..ok, not many in the sense of MANY but maybe some of MANY. Things that concern myself and of people around me. Sometimes life is so full of unexpected surprises and why do people only cherish nice moments when they are in the brink on losing them? Good times spent with friends, enjoyable and carefree life of yesteryear, happy times with closed ones. Another thing is procastination. Everyone faces that in some period of life and it occurs to me often when I am too tired of the workload or projects. I just want to rest and although I am feeling nervous and succumb to huge sense of urgency, I just keep telling myself, it's ok I will get back to it later and finish it soon.

Monday left me confused with all the thinking skills (If P then Q equals to P only if Q, if not Q, then not P, not P or Q so not Q or P). Can you tell me whether I have some common senses? Then wed mug for test and thurs was a utter disappointment. Mediocre student. I realised something is really wrong. The great amount of hard work or mugging you put doesn't equate to similar successes. You have to adopt good SMART study habits..lame ya? But something I am trying to work on.

Something is also amiss. Although I am really emo and feel the world crashing with the need of burrowing my head into the sand pit, I still don't give a damn and can still present my best smile to people. Something is really wrong with me I suppose so.

Some thing to cheer myself. I was a 'secretary' for my group project as assigned by that bunch of crappy guys. They say I should be a secretary cuz I am a female and cuz my handwriting is better than all of them. Have you ever seen how an Engineering student writes notes and arranges meetings.

Matilda Tao <=> Me?? sobz~

Also, I saw a great email by shin. Wonderful one, it's so inspiratonal although the meaning is logical. We just miss some good simple stuffs sometimes. I love these two.

"If we cannot love the person whom we see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see",

"If someone feels that they had never made a mistake in their life, then it means they had never tried a new thing in life".

1 more week to my 1 week break. Break..bREAk..BREAK? When did I resort to counting down to record my term break? The only time I ever recalled doing so was during my 6-months IAP where I counted months, followed by weeks and finally days. Not actually a break though, in fact I am pretty sure it would be booked with proj meetings and stuffs. Hope to book more driving slots during this period and catch up with homework and stuffs.

Learning driving is in fact..a burden which I want to clear and be rid out of my mind soon. Each term would be tougher and busier with no qualms or doubts. I have already advanced book crash courses in year end. This is actually my very first time planning my weekly schedule that 'extrapolate' to months. Which means I am a poor time planner all the time being..oOps.

Class ended early on thursday and I had a proj discussion in like 2 hours time. One of them had to have lunch with his guy friend at Raffles..and it was then that I notice this particular friend of mine is really brilliant in networking and socialising. I am all by myself for 2 hours so I dragged another friend to have lunch with me. After lunch, he went to the carpark and drove his Peugeot Convertible home. I am stunned and perhaps a country bumpkin to create a big hoo-hah on such stuffs yeah?

I had shopping spree which turned out to be book spree I guess. Roaming around shelves of books..nothing else to do too.

Celebrated JX birthday on friday and it really had been a long time since I met her. Nice chatting up and again we went to kinokuniya to read books and stuffs.

After a long sleep, I still feel lethargic. Sometimes I do wonder whether constant input will gurantee constant output or even desirable output which is deemed possible. I guess the problem here is smart study just like street smart. I thought I am prepared for lesson only to be bombarded with questions or scenarios that I don't know. And I do realise I have short attention span and words that the prof or other students are saying just become a lullaby. There are many terminologies and world affairs that I do not know and my answers are unproductive. Some kind of general knowledge idiot huh? Before I fall victim to myself by self-blaming, I guess I should get use to this transition and start reading more newspapers.

How do you learn more? By being more thick-skinned and less egoistic? When people around you know the answer but you don't, just ask them even though you know they will realise you're asking dumb questions duh. Productive class participation by being less self-restricted and open minded. Accepting challeges as possible self-improvement. Often easier to say then to be done.

Are there anything else to do rather than just talking about group projects and assignments each day? Get some life man. Life = CCAs (not inculding club politics). I had a nice time on Friday eating snacks before CCA and listening to a talk on student exchange programmes to overseas. Osaka and Kyushu!? It's quite interesting to see how one emcee speaks in Jap and the other in English. And Sensai was way kewl~ and polite to give out the certificates. Had a nice walk at the Henderson Wave although my legs ached. If only life can be simpler and more enjoyable.

What am I doing at this hour of time? Well, saturday morning was a pleasant day to start with. I was snuggling inside my blankets and listening to the rain splattering on the windows. It has been such a long time since I really slept so long and without any stuffs bothering me. No school, datelines, phone call and sms to greet my day. When things get too busy sometimes, I tend to realise how a good rest, a nice meal or cuddling in my nice old bed could bring such joy and pleasure to life.

Projects are coming in chuckful loads and assignments are piling like nobody's business. I have been reading articles and journals with the help of my yellowed dictionary. So many things to remember and yet I feel that my brain's memory space is like preserving in how many gozill-ion prehistoric years. The brain working system seems to be creaking like some old rusty parts of an old watch and even reading or analysing texts seem taxing. I feel super lethargic or perhaps lazy??? these days.

Many people post me this question "You sure you can suvive?" And my answer is always in that partially yes/no kind. You either give up or carry on. It's like you're at a stage of life or path in which you keep falling and crawling back. Nothing to cling on except your own knees. Well, professors keep calling on me when I prayed hard that they not to. Been ridiculed as some of the class were giggling away at my nonsensical answer. It started fine until the prof post me another tough argumentative question. I was stunned and gibberish. But hmm..applauds myself ba, at least I manage to speak up. lol~

Friday started learning driving on the road. I didn't bring my PDL (can u believe it??) and the instuctor was so kind to drive me back home to collect it. I drove back to bukit batok and my feet were trembling. Why..because I was been forced to drive at a speed that I deemed as dangerous. But anyway, it was a fun fun experience. Then chill out at Dempsey Hill that night. Nice night spot though.

Misia is here in Singapore for her concert on 13th!! I am so excited but I have no tickets to watch her performace although the Jap Cultural Club offered me the tickets at a really discounted membership rate.

When a rubber band is being stretched, how much can it be stretched and when would it eventually snap? But the problem now is not about preventing it from snapping but more about stretching it more and at the same time ensuring it doesn't snap. There's this thing which I keep hearing from others, "It's not about trying to adapt but forcing yourself to adapt. You MUST adapt. The strongest will survive. That's the culture here." A survivor game, something you may ponder or question on. I was shagged by friday that I am slacking now.

Few weeks have past and I have yet to participate actively in class. I know I should listen and analyse how the rest ask questions and provide answers. But it has been weeks and if I don't make my first squeak, I will not catch up and my participation marks will dwindle to a terrible pitfall. Alright, I manage to participate on monday but it was a flop case..but at least I try to. Each time I listen to those jc ppl (not stereotyping, but it's a fact) or law student providing superb answer and intelligent questions and the prof praising them, I feel that I gotta squeak at least, but my mind just couldn't think and my tongue was tied.

Econs lesson is the CHUI one. No notes or tut, just plain discussion through out and reading discussion paper or journal. Prof assigned us grp mates and I landed myself with 3 guys. They were super enthu and serious can..they discussed like some economist/cabinet members/parliament talk. The topic was on GDP, threshold and ISEW. It's alr a dry and serious topic and the way they discussed..it was like a heated argument. Then there's an Indian guy who presented his analysis on the topic by drawing graphs. I was whoosh~ by his analysis..brilliant guy! Could you imagine how famished I was after that lesson, I exercised my brain cells like never before. Or perhaps my brain is rusty.

Lotsa self-reading, critical thinking and essays to write. I feel myself studying English now. I miss my Engineering equations, diagrams and mass balance. Just let me see PFD or P&ID and I would be so happy. Why am I choosing this and why am I here? aRRgh

The only highlight this week was the freshmen bash at zouk on thursday and the Jap Cultural Meeting on friday. The zouk thingy was not that fun, I just entertained myself with cranberry vodka..some people were boozing on dunno how many jugs of liquor and shots. It seems like a culture to drink exceSSively here. I left early as the mood wasn't right. Nihon-go, the only thing that interests me for now. Some seniors were friendly there though, at least I don't find myself entering another battlefield.

I should stop comparing by abilities with that of others. Competition spur me so. Suddenly I form my own encouraging words..some birds fly higher then the other birds. They soar in the sky while the rest are just beginning to flap their wings. But eventually all the birds will fly.

The start of week gives me the blue
A competitive environment that frightens me
Till I have the urge to visit the loo
I sit in class without a clue
Hands waving and popping up continuously
The passion of participation reflected in them
While I listen blankly
At the end of a day
I know oh damn..
I have to study smartly
Somehow effort will pay

Stress Tired Lost Depressed. I will not go on with a long complaint list of my current life. It's fairly understood among each and everyone of us. Four years..if I weigh the marginal benefit and cost of these years of life with that of another life I would rather prefer, years of bitterness will eventually reap the sweetest fruits. Something I hope of and tears of utmost joy if I can foresee success. May God be with me.

Met up with Jasper and some poly pals for his post birthday. Thank you for been there for me and sharing my burden. Even how tired I was that day, it was worth it. I watched Legally Blonde as suggested and knew what message you were trying to infer. FAITH.

School is officially starting next week. I feel a sense of dreadfulness and unexplainable excitement which I have never experienced before. I do not know how I manage to survive working in different office environment both at pandan gardens and raffles. But this time round, I know I have to survive four years and it's the adapting to new environment part which is tough. I have been too complacent and immature in my thoughts and feelings that I didn't see the need to anticipate such issues and challenges. Nothing is easy for the start and if others can do it without so much qualms as me then the more I should tap on my inner energy and strengths.

Just like some of them said..step out of our comfort zone. Over the past few months I have been so busy preparing for schools stuffs and meeting up with long lost pals that I do not have enough time for myself. I feel that I didn't have enough rest yet and all of a sudden time past extremely fast and here I am. Time seriously slips like fine sand and flies without noticing.

And my birthday just past. Thanks all my friends for remembering it and poly mates who organised the event. Received lotsa presents and I felt like a small kid receiving gifts from santa claus. Such warmth and exhiliration. I was late for the event..not giving excuses but just that the school stuff ended later than I expected. I will work hard and make full use of the school fees that my parents paid. It's no small sum too. Of cuz I will get you your gucci bag which you wanted..after four years and when I get my first official pay.

Went for acad briefing on monday early in the morning. 2 of my friends were saying how streamlined the admin manager's body was but he really ressembled our lecturer..Mr Phua. Then attended lessons at BBDC and was the lab rat for the air-bag test. I was super shocked and alarmed can! None of the gals wanted to do so and the instructor juz asked me to volunteer for this activity. I really regretted learning so late cuz when school starts I don't even know how to plan my schedule with all the project and stuffs. Should have done so when I was in Poly. If only and only if.

Met with camp's group mates for lunch on tuesday to discuss on the bidding. Not all turned up but those who were impt and in the same grp as me did turn up..so it doesn't matter. Discussed whole night till wee hours on msn on what courses to bid for. Since I am not that smart and capable, I didn't bother to bid for statistics or else I would have 5 exams..perhaps I should allocate some time to adjust to life there first.

Bidding is scary, really very tiring and scary. I would be in a class filled with strangers and still have to speak up. This alone sums up my trepidation and fear. But some comfort is that I would attend lessons on the first day with someone I know cuz we managed to bid what we wanted safely without using too much e-dollars. Sometimes I do wish to have another person by my side and to feel all the warmth and comfort at such critical moment.

Did my community service with P1 and P2 kids and they are all super adorable. Awww, how I wished I could be a primary or sec school kid again and celebrate National Day, Teachers' Day etc. It's fun and those were the happier days of my childhood. Some of them were awfully cheeky and I shouted till my throat was dry and husky. But overall, they are CUTE. Maybe I should be a nanny or kindergarten teacher when I retired one day.

Had dinner and movie on 8 august, auspicious date. Nice dinner at Sakae Teppanyaki but rather ex. Watch Money No Enough 2 and it was a nice local production by Jack Neo. Touching film and I think the mother and Ah Hui (Henry Thia) were wonderful casts. Although some ideas he used in the film were skeptical but overall still a worth watching light hearted family-movie.

Guan Yin Mama, please give me the strength and power to carry on with life. May the force be with me.

Lastly, some piccies from the camp.

First lunch

Being carried dangerously

They fed me poison and I foamed

Look at the back.. CMI faces



Briefing before rafting out to sea. The guys commented that our instrutor looks like those soldiers during Jap Occupation.


Testing 123 for our life jacket

Out to sea

The first few to come out from the tunnel. Dark and gross inside.

In about 30 hours time, I would be packing my bag and heading to the teambuilding camp at ECP. ECP..a place of sad and happy memories but of cuz mostly an enjoyable place to relax. Just hope it don't rain and is a sunny weather through out as I am freaking scare of cold temperature. I am dreading and excited, I some sort know what can of bonding games they would be playing. So juz soaked in the fun if possible.

Ended my temp job on second week of July. Indo hottie shook my hands and gave me a side hug. G stood in front of my desk and told me about uni life..and his lips are so pinky red as contrast to his tanned skin. P congrats me tat I'm leaving the company (kinda tough there ya?) and gave me a sweet OL smile. Finally, I manage to pronounce the guy from capital marketing propery..wee teck.

Manager's busy work station..where I sat on my last day

Some files I work on..mainly to chase ppl to make payments for outstanding invoice balance

Trainings and briefing from uni. Library training..one funny day. Woke up late then rush to the LKS Library. Randomly printed out the time slot without looking at the correct date and time. It was on tuesday and I came on monday..wth la. However, I was saved by a saint librarian who offered a place for me for the afternoon session. Met a gal from NYP who looks rather like Hanjuan. Socialise with her cuz I got a gut feeling that she's from biz and Bingo. The library facilities are realli like NP except we have excess to plenty more complicated stuffs like Bloomberg, journals and huge databases. And here begins my life of reading papers and journals, very General Paper kind of style.

Course briefing another chui one. The whole career services team super enthu - more enthu than all of the students. Internship, community services, career etc bombarded my brain that day. Splitted into separate teams to finish a quiz. My group very vibrant, had many smart guys and gals and of cuz some pretty ones. Couldn't quite clicked with some of them but managed to know few from TP, NP and VJC. Finally, attended the SlamDunk online portal guide. My ears had some problem that day and I misintepreted the name of the gal from VJC as Cat Lee when it was supoosed to be Kenli. And I even went on to ask her, "Oh, so ur name is Cat?" Then each of us was assigned a facilitator. The male facilitator was kinda interested in Cat and of which I didn't know until the very end. He kept asking her questions and I kept interuppted them as I thght it was some kind of group talk. I was like O.O and -_-'' when I realised that I was interuppting them so I talked with my Indian facilitator more instead. The person encouraged us to talk and told us that the school is about talk-talk-talk in order to survive in seminar-like classes.

After a day of seeing so many smart and pretty gals in my course, I soon started developing some inferior complexity. I gotta survive~

Business Class Boarding Pass?? as claimed by the Career Service Dept.

~Citizens of the School

My new bf ..he is cute can.

Haha, like real as if I had one. Anyway, Miyavi is going on his music tour for his This Iz the Japanese Kabuki Rock Tour. Love the way he dolls up as a female, so versatile. Reminds me of Boy George but of cuz I perfer the Asian version more. Kabuki is a flamboyant traditional sing and dance performance in Japan and that explains the exaggerated costumes and make-up Miyavi is wearing.

Flunked the QET, which means I must enrol for Academic Writing..which means my English sux and which means eating into my normal study hours and finally it's also means a good time to polish my English. How nice.

Went for Day 1 community service at Sch of Accountancy today and seriously everyone (including me) is just kiasu about completing the complusory 80 hrs community work asap before mugging deprives us to do so. Met 3 gals from social sciences and got this bonding-feel. It's a crazy day as we walked around campus bare-footed and with our hands soaked with paint. When can I ever form bonds with gals from the same faculty as me, I am very lonely and lost ya.

Just a light note to add, my seniors from biz are extremely gorgeous or at least fashionable. Panting and wheezing~

Yesterday was history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift.

I miss you and I am EMO can. Please come to my dreams, Ka Jie. I miss your cigaratte, your alcohol, your Escada perfume, your smell and even your fart. Is been almost 20 months. Perhaps you are already gone.

I didn't know things would turn out this way last sunday. I didn't have a chance to tell you how I really felt when it was all actually of mixed feelings. You confronted this topic boldly when I could only agree with you. It was all the same thing and I really wished we could still be friends..but you said you had better friends whom you felt more comfortable with. The only difference was that nothing actually had started. Perhaps I am not a good person to deal with such matters. Till fate gives me more surprises, I shall work on the present to prepare for the future for now.

Received some calls on the middle of this week. Firstly, was from bro. He sounded kinda distant maybe cuz he had a new gf? But still, he was entertaining over the phone and I played the middleman to close the deal for a Sharp TV at a lower price for my dad. Then came the call from godsis. She was blowing her hair with the hairdryer and I thought she was having some spa treatement at a salon la. And as usual, she just enjoyed teasing on my size. She's thinner than me and so she claims that I am a fatty. Got to lose weight! She asked me what I wanted for my birthday and how I wished I could tell her that I want that gucci bag.

Met up with Jasper and pals on thursday. Had dinner at Yuki Yaki and it was hilarious to see how everyone of us cook meat and veggie. The biggest chef and eligible housewife that we all agreed on was..Pika. Jasper was feeling high and had the urge to go Zouk. But in the end, we chose a nearer place..DXO. It was ladies night with no ladies. Business there seemed bad. Wanted to go to the Nest but ended at X2. We had rum, vodka and whiskey since it was free-flow. Pika and I were quite hooked on whiskey while Jas had dry whiskey.

Then this gal approached Jas and placed her head on his shoulder. She was kinda drunk or tired? But anyway, see the large grin on Jas's face and you can guess he's luving it. Who is this mysterious lady? I wouldn't know..until next week.

My baby hamster injured his left hind foot. He was agitated but after I sayang him, he seemed pacified.

Feeling tipsy this morning. Reached office with many stuffs to settle and work on. A huge migraine indeed. But I love the fast-paced life, the feeling of being in a rush and having a satisfying purpose which I am eager to execute.

I do miss him and her. I hope to see you last night and I thought I saw you but it was a beautiful lie..an illusion that my mind was playing on me.

Had stomach runs and feeling nauseous on early monday morning. Took leave and visited Raffles Hospital to do my medical checkup for uni application. The nurse gave me a sample bottle for urine test and I waited for a long while before my name was called for x-ray and other checkups. Doc was rather grumpy guess cuz he had done too many such kind of checkup. He just ticked all columns quickly and signed his nice name below the form. Took my blood pressure and commented monotonously that my blood pressure was rather low and my spine kinda not straight. Guess what, he still put a healthy 110/75 for my blood pressure reading la. I still prefer the female doc at HPB who was so motherly and caring as she checked my spine and did x-ray. Although doctor is a specialised profession that required much devotion but I do believe that a simple smile from them and not an apple will keep all ill health away.

The capital marketing dept is shifting to plaza 1 and I felt much surprised. Firstly, is cuz I will not get the chance to talk with the guy (which I got little acquainted with last week). Next is I missed the OLs from next door hurrying to toilet with the loud thud of their high heels. It felt so much deserted and gloomy with the lights off and the door closed.

I was taking the lift when the OL from next door smiled at me. She has this oriental beauty which always make my heart skip a bit. We had a short chat and gosh, I felt so lucky to be able to speak with her. Her smile so dazzling and her voice so sweet. Of cuz I am not bi-sexual to have double attraction with both sexes. Just that, I always feel shy and nervous when I am being approached by beau and bella.

Late this week, the OL and another colleague had conflicts over some accounting terms and heads. The discussion turned out sour and it was followed by a loud bang on the table after a long ominous silence. He shouted "out of sight!" and I nearly chocked on my fish-sliced bee hoon. Soon after that, the colleague was on the phone to discuss XXX deal and project. The person on the phone was obviously been hard and pushing his/her luck to negotiate on the deal. He slammed the phone, kicked his chair and table and threw files out..and the poor portrait on the wall in front of me became crooked. Anyway, the representatives from XXX deal visited our office and most colleagues were rather pissed with their terms and conditions. I was like a tea-lady rushing in and out of meeting rooms to serve the clients. Anyway, temp staffs are like this la, have to do all odd jobs. Shouldn't have wear heels that day cuz I nearly tripped on the cables and wirings while holding on to the trays of cups, plates and jugs. If I tripped, that would be so damn malu.

Had dinner with someone whom I prefer to place as anonymous (wahaha~) on thursday. Sat in the chevrolet and we buzzed through raffles, nicholl highway, geylang, tanjong katong and finally settled at Old HK cafe at Joo Chiat. Nice ride and I guess I was super anxious to ask about driving a car and the techniques involved. Got lost half-way but managed to get back home safely after looking through the street directory and passing through the several lorangs in Geylang.

Procastination in the process. Have many things on mind to do and to be completed but I don't have the drive to do any single bit of them. The egoistic side of me is erupting and sometimes I do want to be part of the whole picture rather than just been the side cast most of the time. Perhaps that's part of a leo's characteristic. Aggressive at times but purring and laid-back at times. I am definetely not a leo's native, always wanting to be in the limelight and being AA. Or else I wouldn't be who and where I am. I would have found attraction in the entertainment or show business industry..which in fact I detest the most. Maybe I am more of a combination and blend of gemini and cancer.

Anyway, I was leaving office on a thursday when a guy from capital marketing approached me. I always see him since his office is just opposite of mine. He asked me whether I was the lady who spoke to him on the phone few days back regarding his enquiries on some stuffs. At first, I didn't know what he's talking all about since I receive plenty phone calls from weird people daily. Then, I suddenly recalled and we both broke into laughter. He broke the ice and offered his warm and large hands to me. Cool ya, just some desperate thinking of mine. Nice person la~

Went cycling at ECP with shin and QY on saturday. Initially, SQ was supposed to join but she..fainted. Gosh, I wasn't there to witness the incident. Luckily, it was just a minor injury. SQ mama if you are reading my post, don't visit The Clinic for the time being k. It was a fun cycling trip and I saw many adorable dogs. Tcss to the max and pacified our hungry growling stomach at yummy Jack's Place.

Witness some fainting spells in my home many years back. There was once when she fainted below the table and I tried to push her numb and cold body back. But I was still young and didn't have sufficient strength to lay her face down. Her head just thumped backwards at full gravitational force and blood immediated oozed profusely from her sore head.

Saw this great MV by Whee Sung and D.O - We're not crazy. If you are wondering whether the singer in the MV is a transexxual or drag queen..Whee Sung is a male and the person in the MV is lip-synching his song. The video was shot in Nevada..some city in Las Vegas. And could I say Whee Sung has great vocal chords and range for a male. A very emotional, artistic and abstract video with wonderful photography and choregraphy skills. Will not write in details on this video, is best that you just view it and either like or dislike it. Can visit the link, may load faster.

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v13380058EdwWk3kp

Read in the papers on the sudden deaths of two soldiers some time ago, one was a REC while the other was a pilot trainee. Blame it on the hot humid weather, heatstroke or simply cardiac arrest? Are soldiers less rugged and the younger generation too pampered? Cardiac arrest or anything which are relevant to heart..it does ring a bell to me. Now that friends and people around me are being enlisted to NS, I am getting more worried than before. Bless all of them and may it be a smooth ride for them all! Drink more water too.

I did some silly things few days ago and just to realize that my attempts are just futile. Perhaps sometimes the heart doesn't coordinate well with my mind. It beats furiously at moment and aches a little at other moments unknowingly to me. Females like me got to grow up and realise the importance of other stuffs rather than such silly games. The best cure I realized is to rub more salt over your old wounds and by doing so, you will wake up and face reality. And it works for me. Sadist or crazy..well, up to you to decide.

Gosh, I extented my working terms until mid July. Partly cuz I could earn extra income and the other reason being that I wanted to help the admin lady since there's insufficient manpower currently. She sang a very bitter chinese song begging me not to leave end of this month and I agreed. I must be crazy or some sort but ya, like that lo. When colleagues did some sweet things, my fear or anger always seem to vanish.

YJ did mention that I am getting more and more auntie after working with the OL. But being prudent and shrewd are virtue aren't it?

Met with yingjie and JP for dinner on tuesday. Was kinda weird at first but had a great time I guess. Manage to do some catch up with my dearie yingjie after such a long long time.

Normal week at work and I realized some very amazing 90/10% formula from one of the acccountant cum analyst. It set my brain thinking and cracking even when I was on the train. Now, I understand why some of them mumbled to themselves when they are walking around the office.

Sometimes, I don't know what I should do in life. I am not that strong-willed and daring to voice out my opinions. I want to make certain rejection but I halt as I have made some rejections in the past which turned out sour and awry. It troubled my mind and inner thoughts tremendously and I know the answer could only be yes or no. No laying between fences.

Moved in to my temporary house at kallang. Loved the view, I could see the ferris wheel and the dazzling neon lights of geylang. I adore geylang since a long time ago..of cuz not those hanky panky business, c'mon I am a female. But the bustling night life. Night activities seem to attract me more than morning activities although I am not a night-lifer. Shall update some nice pictures next time.

Went out to chill on friday night. Kena suan non-stop from Billy Bombers all the way to Kandi Bar. We are a hilarious two pairs. Got a teeny-weeny taste of flaming lambo which SQ declared to dunno how many persons and got me rather malu. Had this burning sensation on my throat but after that was all cool. Thought there would be some after-effects which were so-called claim but nothing really happened. Perhaps cuz I missed the flaming sip. After all, it's a first experience. Enjoyable night out with all of them.

Had dinner with some of class people at Ah Yat Seafood restaurant. Sumptous dinner and great gathering. The guys were discussing about NS and I do share their excitement and bitterness. Thanks QY, YC and SQ mama for the wonderful treat. I really do enjoy the meal.

Got to use manager's desk for this week. Helped the admin lady to set up her mail, messenger and printer settings via assistance with KHLeung in London. Spoke to him for more than 1 hour and my ears were choked with british accent. I hate doing troubleshooting for IT stuffs but this time round was rather fun. Back to my old desk next week and I loved the manager's desk to bits cuz it was cosy and the view was pleasant to eyes..unlike mine.

The electrical engineer visited us and I complained about the faulty doorbell. And that began his personal recount of feng shui and chinese superstitious beliefs. It sent chill down my spine and the admin lady was in disbelief throughout the whole chat. He says that ghost aren't that scary unlike human beings. Which I gotta agree sometimes.

Had my official graduation on thursday. The morning started rather screwed up and I failed to give yingjie her invitation card which I must seriously apologised. But all went well and I was like phew~ when they didn't show my video clip during the graduation ceremony. But there's Jas in the video and when he said "will definetly miss school" there was this super slow motion effect of him nodding his head followed by some sad music. That instantly sank my heat. Took many photos and everyone was in uplifted spirits that day. Kok Howe was joking that everyone continue smiling even when he had finished taking group photos for us. Headed down to vivo for lunch at sushi tei and food wasn't that ex with hanjuan and yingjie around. Kena pull along to watch movie with O5 people which I felt akward at first. But the movie sex in the city was hilarious with many dirty M18 sex in NYC jokes. Especially the sushi on body scence. Well, I loved sarah jessica parker's character. The guys didn't really like the movie but we girls enjoyed it. Then headed home for dinner and to do some personal stuffs that evening.

Went to the cashflow workshop on saturday with estelle and ken. The people were giving affirmative replies and that made me worry on whether this is some kind of MLM company. I was feeling uneasy and the office was engulfed with a strong scent of air fresherner. Then started the cashflow 101 boardgame with our game master, Richelle, hosting the game. Everyone was rushing to get out of the rat race within one hour and we were like frantic traders trying to get deals. I was slow in processing as usual. By the 45 mins I realised that I was closing to 65 years old but was still in the rat race and my passive income fell short of my expenses. 3 of the players were already on the fast track and I started punching on the calculator to try to get more stuffs on my asset column. I had many stocks but my real estate and business columns were pathetic. Crazy thing was I kept getting doodads.

After that was followed by sharing session. Met some NUS and NTU alumni and current students. Then had an interesting chat with a guy (gosh forget his name) from NUS engineering science. Couldn't believe that Richelle was just in her early 20s but an entrepreneur. At least got a chance to meet Robert Kiyosaki indirectly.

Going gaga over Mr Wong

Mr Stoll seems very tall among us

Bless the people in China's earthquake and Myammar's cyclone

Ordinary week with no COMPUTER to work with. Had to share laptop with the other female colleague to get stuffs done and it was delirious and boring. Had to prioritise her work before mine and waiting is no exciting game to play. Crazy la, guess I have to wait for few weeks before that stoopid laptop arrives since they only shipped it from London on thurday night. If only I could bring my laptop to work but some window files are copyrighted by the IT administrator in London again. Wonder what happens if other colleagues' pc crash too? choy~

The start of the week brought many office politics and was rather interesting to see how they spread messages across. Person A tells you this, then person B and C etc tells you this and that. You could only listen and provide neutral feedback in fear of accidentally stepping on your enemies' landmine. By friday, this colleague of mine was super pissed and I eventually was stressed out too. Have to delay my lunch meeting for 15mins. Very hungry and angry woman that day.

Yi Jia has finally worked at HSBC building and I was happy to lunch out with her. No more a loner and miserable girl. Delivered some document to hitachi tower and explored the big field at chevron and other buildings. Very happening place with performances and games. I enjoyed the bustling crowd and the loud blastings of music. One colleague of mine mentions that females in banking industry especially investment banking are too aggressive and very non lady-like. Can only find chio-ones in private and capital banking. Not too sure about this myth but it seems partially true.

It's DJ Fatty meeting DJ Skinny time on thursday. DJ Skinny was nagging at me when I failed to leave office by 6.10pm and we went to celebrate her birthday after work. A normal meal and chill-out session and both of us pour out stuffs for update purposes. Now I really wonder whether sweet marriage could be happily ever after. It's been months since I met her but each encounter is always sweet and memorable.

Met SQ on friday for makan session and we were sitting besides a les couple. It felt really weird to be at esplanade as it's a hot couple spot. Saw some nice fireworks. Went into HMV store and listened to this really cool music by Sarah Mclachlen - Silence (Tiesto). My trance hormones and cells are being suppressed for months and now they are multiplying again. Oh gosh~ Listen to the lyrics and remix by Tiesto. It just pumps adranaline to my body. Of course, not everyone welcomes trance or even techno. Sarah has some other great music pieces too.

Celebrated Mother's Day last sunday and I guess everyone was happy that I treated them to a sumptous meal at Soup's Restaurant. Nice food, nice ambience, kinda slow in serving but overall a nice day out.

Collected my graduation gown at poly in the evening of tuesday. At the very last of minute, one of my colleagues had urgents stuffs for me to complete. Happily agreed cuz I can earn OT pay and he was laughing away that next time he should give me work to do at 6pm instead. It was kinda late when I left the office. Wanted to take a cab, but it's rather ridiculous to take a cab at peak hours especially in central area. Took the train down and flagged a cab around clementi area. The taxi driver was super chatty and hilarious, telling me about his life as a taxi driver, the furore of people eager to own a car, high diesel and petrol prices and of paying fees for his children's further education. Reached there around 7.30pm and I was the last and latest customers. The aunties were friendly though and asked me to take my time. She even helped me to put on my gown and hooked up the buttons. Such motherly touch.

Couldn't believe my eyes when I wore the gown. But of cuz this isn't the official graduation, there's still another one where people's throw their hats and take pictures with their families and relatives. Took the bus home and certain nostalgia came back to me. Late nights of PED in school and stuffs like that. It was a short ride from school back home which brought back many wonderful and sweet memories. Couldn't bear to leave school la~

The admin lady's laptop crashed on friday and could I say it was really like a Friday 13th for both of us. Called HP, JOS and the London IT support team to solve this problem. And the only thing they can ever say was "Your laptop is out of warranty and we could only provide you with assistance through phone" after speaking to them for such a long time. Life without a PC is horrible and boring to the max. Although I was able to sit at the manager's desk, but I couldn't do much work. Sometimes I even wonder why would I even bothered to come work that day. Hopefully the replaced laptop would come soon.

Went to uni welcome tea session and experienced a cultural shock. Practically everyone was from JC and only some were from Poly. K, maybe there are more from poly but I couldn't see them. Perhaps it takes time to break the ice and be accustomed to such a environment. But it is of little wonder that I will feel apprehensive and paranoid at first. Anyway, went to watch What Happened In Vegas and it was a nice and enjoyable movie.

I received what I wanted and am elated and contented. I don't believe in the "you reap what you sowed" proverb because life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes evil people don't receive their punishment and good people don't receive their rewards. But god always closes a door and eventually gives you the key to a next door. It may take months or even years. If you continue in good karma perhaps life would be better in your next life. So..thank you very much.

Met Edmund twice this week and realised he's also working with CL at ocean tower. Although we were in the same course for 3 years but it's only now that I realise he stays quite near from me.

Sometimes I do hope that I wouldn't regret in the future for the decision I made. I feel lonely and worry of what kind of people I would meet. Then there are people who try to discourage and tell me tales and rumours of this and that. But if I choose to retreat and give up, I am sure I will receive a good lecture from my parents. Anyway, it's just of mixed feelings.

My heart nearly popped out and I was bewildered at my own physical strength. Talking about the fatigue test of metal..cool to the max. Went to basement to open the letter box of company. Then I was turning the letterbox key clockwise when I heard a slight "thud". Released my hand and the key head fell to the floor. The remaining of the key remained stuck so I jammed my hands into the lock and banged the box in a frantic attempt to pluck the key out. Called the management office immediately and they fixed the letterbox the following day. Unlike house's letterbox, companies are very particular on their punctuality of letters. Next time when a key is slightly twisted or deformed, please make a duplicate one asap.

A new dashing officer came into office this week. His cologne has a very subtle refreshing scent. He's married. Usually such people are either married or attached. Celebrated plenty colleague birthday this week and collected the cake at fullerton. The waiter actually disinfected the table and chair with ethanol before I sat down while waiting for the cake. Then I looked into the menu and browsed through its champagn, wine, liquor and food catergory. No prices stated and my stomach was growling. Another nice high class hotel with good services.

Had a f*ed up week and I was like a lost soul who didn't know what I was doing at times. Sometimes when I opened the main building door and was greeted by a bustling lunch time crowd, the fiery sun proved too dazzling for my eyes. The thought of retreating was tempting but I proceeded forward cuz the route backwards ain't so bright and worth looking back into. I realised that I have been too stubborn for a long time and lingered on broken hopes when there may be greener pastures ahead. Many people don't really understand me and they don't understand me perhaps cuz I failed to open up more. But there are some whom can sense it although I am not someone to tell them directly.

Nearly screwed my boss's business call early this week and I couldn't concentrate on my work. It was a painful process but dad always told me not to bring your worries to workplace and to other innocent people. So I tolerated and tried to filtered my moods. Then calls came on the eve of labour day. Had to hide in the toilet to chat cuz my table is at the prominent recept counter. Thanks to Jas and SQ mama, although had to entertain your calls with the backdrop of flushing toilet but at least you cared. And also..I felt much better after chatting with class people (you know who u are) on msn.

Although it was just a trivial matter but it subconsiously disturbed me for some unknown reasons. Then I saw a praying mantis and had a weird dream. I would fight for my dreams and in the process I may not be the person whom I previously was..it's also impossible for anyone's character to remain as sweet and angelic as before. There are principles in life to adhere to but I wouldn't possibly give up cuz I can no longer lost any more years of my youth and I don't want to dissapoint you again. Have made reservation for mother's day dinner and don't blame me if I am stingy and unsociable this month. Cuz I'm trying to save up. muahaha~ hope I can say tada, kimi wo aishiteru one day.

Goodbye and be happy
May you be happy
さ よ う な ら

Why make things complicated when they could be simplified, why make life a complicated puzzle when life could be made simpler? That was what an old monk told my dad after he visited him in a temple. Living our lives in lies, deceit, betrayal, fear etc, it's normal to crack our brains to solve life's complex puzzle and we use such theory to even solve everyday's problem. As for me, there's always a simpler way to do things but in the end I beat about the bush and complicate things to get the same results.

Things are getting routine as usual but am having stable income as for the time being. Sometimes sit on my desk for hours without things to do and being restless, it turns out to be a yawn. But other times are super busy. Wanted to help out with the expense report but is kind of confidential and complicated to access so for now I just do the preparation of report draft. Hate lunch time cuz sometimes no friends to lunch out together so in the end do take-away. Then my auntie collegue tried to console me by saying having lunch in the office is rather good as it provides a nice ambience with free air-con service.

Perhaps I am used to having a large company in school so getting things done myself proves kinda lonely. But life ain't perfect so it's just a give and take. And being independent to take charge of one's life is part of growing up. Can't be depending on my friends all the time to have things done in future too. Working as temp and perm is also different and of cuz your position in office is also not the same too.

Had dinner with classmates at Marina Square's Pasta de Waraku. Get to eat katsu pasta and my maccha ice-cream. Have a craving for desserts lately especially nice and delicate ones. Nice desserts tend to uplift spirits and make myself happier and energetic. Although is rather sinful and fattening. Settled at mac to chill out and tcss before heading home.

Awaiting the special month of july. Saving up for the month of may, where friends' bday are like continuous and a dinner splurge for mothers' and fathers' day too. Still waiting for that someone to appear to make my life more interesting and if you know what that means.

When one falls into deep depression and mood swing, what should that person do? I feel my life so bleak and uninteresting. Not that kind to share problems or worries openly. On the evening of wednesday, my life went downhill and I felt so dumb and stoopid to even enter that interview. If I had tried harder but again maybe is fated that I shouldn't even choose this path. I am in a cross path right now, leaving with 3 more options and the decision is mine.

The perm admin asst staff joined us on monday and she is damn hilarious. Although she's like quite old but she's always giggling and cracking jokes. The funniest thing was the phone call she made to Thailand..sawadee kap~ For further details can ask yingjie cuz I told her the whole story and is kinda not too convenient to say here as it involves some opposite sex issues.

Had lunch with DJSkinny and her 2 colleagues. First time meeting her colleagues but they were friendly. Fancy having a shopping spree during lunch hour. Quite fun though and they really know how to spend money and pamper themselves. Happy happy swipe card then buy things. Got one of her colleague quite sweet and looks a little like fiona xie although she's little tanned.

Sorted 50+ resume and cover letter for the position of CFA and when I seen all of them, I felt so much like killing myself. But also must thank them cuz I realised what kind of people enter NBS. All from JC except one from NYP and it would never be my turn to even enter or appeal. Impressive grades and very competitive indeed. One was from EEE with a minor in entreprenuership but he was one of the lucky feel to be shortlisted for interview. At least it gave me some hope.

Was super free so glanced through the company website and saw the interview of one of the associate. Look under the one based in Singapore.

http://www.jefferies.com/cositemgr.pl/html/Careers/DayLifeProfiles/index.shtml

Do you have the urge to do so sometime?

I had and that started when boss came back from his manilla trip. I had to photocopy, scan and bind all documents for all people in the office. Thought it would be rather easy but when you encountered printer problem, life became a nightmare. Paper jam and scanned doc became corrupt file. I walked to and fro the printer just to get things done. Called out for SOS but everyone was busy to the max and some didn't know how to troubleshoot that printer. So I read manuals and fiddled with buttons. Tried calling the printer technician but he was away. And so, I became a technician, trying to fix scan folder, paper jam, ink toner, fax machine and photocopying problems.

Then came the most tiring thing, the photocopying and binding of double-sided documents. The printer kept showing error and I had a hard time to ensure it print double-sides. Then when I was 2/3 done, he approached me to say he preferred it one-sided. I nearly pengz.

Another tricky thing is the answering of weird calls and trying to get things done before I transfer calls to the exact person. There was a call from US and I heard something like "I am marc and I would like Pauline to know of this rRRRRRrrgrr." The phone reception was poor and I couldn't hear..coupled by some miscommunication and tada, I ended his call automatically, couldn't be bothered la. Indian accent also another chui one but prefer it rather than some ang moh rap accent. Made some last minute arrangement for hotel check-in and restaurant reservation. Luckily the customer service officer was kind enough to make arrangement or else I sure die liaoz. While my manager had to handle a more tough task to make last minute flight arrangement and cancellation. Other than that, it was rather nuah in office. Working in CBD and taking the lift and train with OL people are taxing. The way they walk is like rushing to give birth and the way they dressed is too smart to be true. But perhaps is a good exposure ba. Seriously, working at Setsco and Jefferies are two compleely different world.

Received the poly graduation letter. If only the word "congratulation" in the letter could be in another letter. If only..only if. I am still waiting patiently but felt a little pessimistic and paranoid lately. Did qin ming visit yesterday and I felt a sudden serenity. I want life to be like this and I don't want to live each day as if my water bag has burst and I need to give birth soon. But ya..my smelly feet, that wouldn't happen unless I went for some retreat in a suburb area.

Some pics to share, the sky was sort of downcast but I could see the expanse view of clark quay to boat quay and to city hall.

Working at Jefferies is an eye-opener and that comfirms how country bumpkin and country mouse I am. What's this company about..guess after binding tonnes of promotional booklet on the company profile I have memorised their message. "An investment banking and international security firm focused on helping growing and mid-sized companies and their investors" And of course, the branch in Singapore focuses on investment banking and capital marketing.

First day of work, had welcome lunch at one of the Japanese restuarant at Central with the office manager and boss. I felt so awkward and SQ said I am an alien while they are normal people.

Waiter: Who ordered coke?

Boss: nods~

Waiter places the drink in front of him

Boss: That ain't coke..coke isn't of such pale colour

Waiter was shocked and panic

Manager saw it and came over to assit him

Waiter: I am sorry, that wasn't coke but ice lemon tea

Back at office, someone from london called me. Great, his british accent was choking my ears. Fancy receiving a call from london to have your lotus mail set up. Was something new to me. Then another thing is the set up of AOL messenger. People in office communicate through that and even when we are like few tables away, they send messages instead of talking directly.

One unbelievable thing is the international conference calls made almost every day. I can hear people from all around the world discussing with my colleagues on some investment project and deals. The most CHUI one was when I handled an oversea call from a lady at Mumbai, India. Hardly understand what she was talking and I didn't know how to connect her to the main conference call. Then my ears were bombarded with finance terms like SGX, asset management, EPS, book value, equity, M&A, MAS etc when they had meetings or discussion. Clients from around the world visit the company for meetings each day and my colleagues are always so busy. They fly to overseas as if they are taking MRT.

As they were busy and I am bounded and secluded to my own desk, life was kinda boring. Nobody to chat with and having lunch alone. They do not have lunch together often as their lunch hours are irregular. Ya..since I am just a temp so who cares and bother to break the ice with me. Made some orders for office pantry, did some ad-hoc admin duties, read equipment manuals and crack my brain to convert excel to lotus123 format. Auditors came and they reminded me of the NKF/RenCi thingy as they checked through the accounts.

Friday was kinda unexpected. I was the earliest and the mood was lighter as they had chats with one another and even laughed. Working with US people and ABC people..and I tend to hear curses ranting in the office. Well, everyone is like speaking English la and is so hard to speak Chinese with them. Had a hard time conversing with them as their English are powerful. Just working for 5 days and I felt so tired and weak.

Went for the SMU interview and nearly pengz. Felt so much like retreating and surendeering after I realised in a group of 8 interviewees, I am the only one from poly. I am like competing a place with people from Hwa Chong, NJC, ACJC, RJC etc. The interview lasted for a whooping 1.5 hours. The first part was a seminar-like group discussion on Clean Up your Act in Cyberspace from the financial post. Then the next is to write an essay on any topics (future challenges, good governance, identity, political leader, social issue, news and media). People from JC are in good position as they had GP before. Then me leh, haven't wrote an essay for like few years and have no GP techniques to present. But overall, managed to clicked with the JC people and they were friendly. We exchanged phone numbers and had a short chat after the interview. Then I had a longest chat after 5 days of this week with a girl called Xing Miao through out the train ride.